And the Storm Clouds Clear

This past week has been rough. Rough like having my Program Officer call me and end up bawling to her on the telephone because I feel useless, stupid, and unrespected (not disrespected; there’s a difference) at my site. Rough like breaking up with my boyfriend because I just can’t handle the stress of being here on top of the stress of being in a relationship. Rough like seriously, seriously considering saying PEACE OUT CAMBODIA and going the fuck home.

I’ve been a complete emotional mess for the past 10 days.

I’ve talked about the reasons I feel useless and stupid before. The lack of native language skills, the expectation to educate, and the complete incongruence of the two. For awhile I felt better by diving headfirst into language learning, but that is a process that takes time. I can’t put everything on hold while I just sit and learn. Let’s also not forget that one of the best ways to learn is actively—by speaking, listening, and interacting with people.

This past Monday I had site visit. That meant the Program Managers, Khemarith and Anthy; the Language and Cross-Cultural Coordinator, Dara; and the Safety and Security Coordinator, Markara, all came down to visit me and see how I’m doing. They were all really helpful in thinking up ideas in which I could be better at my job. They were supportive in telling me that it’s okay if I haven’t done jack diddly squat as of yet, because my language isn’t there. They were also extremely reassuring in telling me that my language is right up where it needs to be at this point, and to not feel guilty that I’m still in the learning process; I’ve only been here 5 months. The most important thing they did for me, though, was bring me into contact with the director of the local high school.

I’ve expressed my desire to teach for several weeks now. I feel like it would be a great way to reach a large group of malleable minds at the same time, and really forge those community relationships in order to deliver my health messages. Khemarith warned me that my primary assignment is still health education, so he still expects me to be at the health center and only teach a few days a week. With this in mind, I set up a meeting with the school director for this morning.

The Khmer high school is an intimidating place to be. Hordes of students just standing and staring, me with my fumbling language trying to ask where the school director’s office is, and nearly falling off my bike trying to dismount because I was wearing a sampot (traditional Khmer teaching skirt). I eventually find the school director, and he introduces me to two of the English teachers, saying that they teach grades 10 and 12, and that I can work with them. We get our “joom reap sua”s out of the way when the bell rings, and one of my co-teachers motions for me to follow him. While walking, he asks, “You will teach this class right now?”

Uh, what. No, no, I can’t teach this class right now. I’ve only just stepped foot on your campus. Please let me just watch for today.

“Okay,” he says. “You teach Monday.”

I spend my first hour observing my grade 10 co-teacher, and then the next two hours observing my grade 12 co-teacher. During the second hour with my grade 12 co-teacher, the class was stumbling over a particularly difficult reading comprehension question (the ones that ask for their opinion with no wrong or right answer are always the most difficult). My co-teacher pauses, turns, hands me the book, the marker, and says, “Teach.”

O…kay. I had been in a Khmer classroom just once before during PST practicum week, and that was when I was flanked by such superstars as Dave Kauffman and Peter Cooper, AND we were teaching health-related things. But I suck it up, get up, and start teaching.

It wasn’t that bad. I slowly guided them through the process, in both English and Khmer, and we bumbled along to the answer. I give myself the littlest pat on the back.

After class, my co-teacher hands me my schedule, and I see that she has assigned me to different teachers for different days:

Monday
7-9AM: Grade 12A with Mr. Pouch
9-11AM: Grade 10D with Mr. Samhol

Tuesday
7-9AM: Grade 11C with Ms. Khunneary
9-11AM: Grade 11A with Ms. Khunneary

Wednesday
7-8AM: Free period with Grade 12C
8-9AM: Grade 10B with Mr. Samhol
9-11AM: Grade 12D with Ms. Khunneary

See what it says there on Wednesday from 7-8AM? It’s a free period. Meaning, these kids don’t have a teacher during this time, and they’re inserting me into that slot. I have complete control over this hour, meaning I can teach whatever I want.

And so, there it is: my outlet for my health education plans. This officially marks the end of my rough week (cue: I’m walking on sunshiiiiiiiiiiine, waaaaooooohhhh).